↓ Transcript
News Lady: Now, back to Fat Guy who is live at Union Square where a panda is wreaking havoc after escaping from the San Francisco Zoo.

Fat Guy: Thank you, News Lady. Yes, this panda has been wreaking havoc since this morning when some Mexican kid pushed the panda over the proverbial edge, and the panda pulled the kid over the literal edge. After mauling the kid, the panda used his body to make a crude roping system which he used to propel himself over his enclosure.

News Lady: Fat Guy, reports say that the panda is destroying vehicles. Is this accurate?

Fat Guy: Uh, yes, he is destroying vehicles. He just killed a member of our crew, he's… Oh god it's horrible. It's crazy, just totally crazy. This panda is creating quite the situation. He's creating… a real bad scene.